Life is too short. Days are too short. In my brain, each and every night before I go to bed, there are at least a dozen "to-dos" that didn't. I have a hundred irrational fears. What if I don't publish books? What if I never get to take my family to Jerusalem? What if our family never travels together to France where our kids can order amazing desserts in perfect French while Aaron and I smile lamely in the background? What if I never get to take Aaron scuba-diving (he has no interest in going)? What if the walls in our house stay bare forever? What if they don't stay bare and instead become covered in peanut-butter and jelly fingerprints? What if I get crazy fat and wrinkly? What if I never become famous (in actual fact I have zero interest in being famous at all--so why the fear that I won't???)? I can't even go on. Once I write them down, the ridiculous irrational fears become, if possible, ridiculous-ER. When I think about it rationally (this is rare), I realize that the world is too big to do everything, and ultimately I have to make choices.
Choices. They are incredibly hard for me. I honestly love life SO MUCH (except when not, of course) that having to miss anything sort of kills me. I hate that I've probably already forfeited the chance to be a Nobel Prize winning mathematician, an Oscar-winning actress, or to win American Idol. Nevermind that I have no business even dreaming about any of those things--I miss them anyway. But sometimes I get so caught up in all the possibilities, all the hundreds of things that could fill an hour, that I do nothing, accomplish nothing, leave no visible mark on the world--or the mess in the living room--at all. Part of me wants to be the world's best mom, while another part of me wants to just let my imagination take an excursion to . . . anywhere else, while another part yet needs a workout, and another is clamoring to clean out a closet. It's exhausting, all this doing nothing yet thinking about everything.
Anyway, all this is to say that I'm behind on this blog. Too much has happened, too little has been posted, and time, yet again, is escaping too fast. And also I wish that I would get more comments on my posts, because honestly keeping it up is hard and if my family is out there reading (are you family? We still want to share our lives with you even though you're far away, but you have to check in every now and again!), probably they should write a little note like "hey we remember you!" on here every now and again! And now, on to the actual posts that I'm griping about writing, yes?
4 comments:
not family, Britt, but I'm reading. :)
/grace
I couldn't have said it better myself. :) So much to do and think about and dream about. Also, being so far from family makes me wish someone would invent an inexpensive and lightening speed way to teleport ourselves wherever we want to go.
Very true, so much to do. I do the same thing, think about all there is to do that sometimes I don't do any!
And agreed, it takes time to post something and it's done to keep in touch and you wonder, hello family... where are you?
My boys have fun looking back at my posts and seeing what we've done; you're documenting your life for future posterity to read. (And I like to read your blog, I love how you word things)
love this post brit. Thanks for making sure I know I'm not the only one who gets in this mindset sometimes!
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