Am I a Bad Mom?

I ask myself that sometimes. Significantly more frequently lately, actually.

Normally I'm a self-confident person. I've worked hard to be a good mother. It's a job that really matters to me, and I've taken the time to read about it, to watch and ask other mothers about it, and to make conscious decisions about what kind of a mother I want to be. But lately this question keeps creeping into my thoughts, and I can't help wondering if it's there for a reason.

I know why it's there. It's there because this transition has been hard for our kids, and it shows. It's there because the teachers and the people in the office at the kids' school look at me a certain way (not a good way). It's there because much as he loves me, Aaron has mentioned some pretty serious doubts about the way I do things lately. It's there because of the way my kids sometimes talk to me when they're mad or don't like some consequence I've dreamed up for them. And it all makes me feel like I might just be a dreadful mother.

To put things in perspective, I'm giving myself daily reminders of a couple of things. First, I've had a hard time transitioning each and every time we've moved. Every time I've had doubts about my abilities to meet new people and make new friends. Every time I've worried about the impact on my kids. Every time I've hated the length of time it takes to become real friends with people and to understand the workings of the community and social network. And ultimately, it has all worked out. I've found those friends that strengthen me, make me better, and most of all just laugh and love life with me. My kids have settled in and felt at home. Our house has eventually gotten into manageable shape and people in our family (besides me) have taken their share of responsibility for keeping it clean and nice. It will come with time.

Second, one of the great things about this community is that it's tight-knit. People know their neighbors and the children at the school. There are grandparents and cousins nearby for a lot of people. Most people feel safe letting their children wander the neighborhood to play with friends. We're still outsiders. And apparently we haven't made that fantastic of an impression. I've tried as much I could, but when I think about it objectively, I can see what others must see. A woman who doesn't volunteer in the school (I'm planning to soon, but between trying to nail down a house and figuring life out from an apartment, it's been low on the agenda), who doesn't jump in to plan activities, and whose kids aren't starting out exactly at the tops of their classes. And who, really, do I expect to take the time to understand why? Yes, the teachers might know at a cursory level that our kids were in French school, but I don't think they understand that they seriously did everything in French, including math and science and music and everything else. To them, Addy seems like a poor speller, nevermind that she got perfect scores on French spelling tests last year. Theo seems a year or two behind on things like the scientific method and social studies-type things, nevermind that he's learning a completely new vocabulary to deal with those subjects. And Emerson. I'm torn between compassion and frustration with that kid. I know we let Joy School fall apart last year, and I'm sure it would have helped. I know that it's kindergarten and transitioning to that on top of transitioning to a new city and to two new dwelling-places in as many months can't be easy. And I know that I would probably be tempted to push a couple of boundaries with his particular teacher as well. But the fact that Emerson is normally so ridiculously easy to get along with, so compliant, and so helpful, yet in his classroom is apparently acting like a little hooligan, well, that's giving me a fair amount of concern. I can't stand that I feel like he's being labeled as a bad kid. I can't stand that he knows better and he knows he knows better, yet he keeps doing things that give his teach coniptic fits. And the larger problem is that there's no easy remedy. To switch him to another class would mean switching him to a different school or paying $1500 for all-day kindergarten, which I'm not sure would even be better. Either way, the only way to get past this is to go through it, so I'm waking up each and every morning with my game face on, ready to help my kids in whatever ways I can to get through whatever it is that life is going to throw at them.

And third, I can't let myself judge me the way others might judge me. Pick the right handful of days and events, and chances are that just about anyone might come up short. I have the whole rest of my life to live, and if I want this time to count, I just have to keep on keeping on. I'm paying attention to my weaknesses, and working on them. A favorite church hymn keeps popping into my head to keep me going: "it will be long, but must go on, put your shoulder to the wheel." And so that's what I'm doing. Because even a little progress each day in the right direction will hopefully lead me, eventually, to my destination.

Stuff

We've had so many good times I don't want to forget amid the craziness of moving! Mostly pictures this time.

Addy had a birthday! This little girl turned 7, and enjoyed the most store-bought birthday our family has ever seen. She got the ultra-frosted cupcakes they sell at the supermarket taken to her school class, a bakery birthday cake, dinner at O'Charley's, and a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Oh well--on the plus side, she is at the perfect age to think that's fantastic. I still need to write up a birthday post for her though . . . .
Next up, we attended the Johnny Appleseed Festival, which was hands-down the best festival for families I have ever been to. We watched fresh apple cider being pressed in cedar presses and kettle corn being popped in enormous black cauldrons over a fire. Everything at the festival was made the old-fashioned way, from root beer to soup to sweet potato pie. Everyone was dressed up in civil war dress, and there were clogging and bagpipe shows all day long. We learned about surgery in the civil war (ouch!) and the toys kids played with . . . I could go on and on forever, but I'll leave a few of the scanty array of pictures we took instead. I'm hoping it maybe made up a little for Addy's store-bought birthday.

We went to the best baseball game ever at the little stadium that's only a couple of miles from our house. They had $1 hot dogs and popcorn (hot dogs are such a must at baseball games in my opinion, but it's really not fair to pay $5 each when you're taking a family of 6!), family-friendly little shows between innings, a funny little mascot guy who went around waving to kids (Sera is nuts about those guys), and our family made it onto the Jumbo Tron no less than four times (we have some pretty awesome dance moves, not gonna lie)! It was a fantastic afternoon--we're just sad that we didn't make it earlier, because it was the last game of the season!

And finally, we got a visit from my sister Tenille and her family, who were in the middle of a last-minute move from New York to Utah. I'm still feeling a little robbed that we won't be able to spend Thanksgiving with them, but glad they could drive through here on their way out west. We enjoyed a tasty dinner at O'Charley's (my new favorite family restaurant--the food is much better than Denny's, there are amazing hot rolls, and kids eat free!) showed them our new house (outside only, we hadn't moved in yet), and I got to chat with Tenille and her boys a bit at her hotel pool. Good times for us, crazy times for them!!

A Good [Town] is Hard to Find

Looking for a place to call home is an awful lot like looking for a husband. After dating around quite a bit, and we're pretty sure we've found a keeper.

See, first there was Utah. He was fantastic with kids, a real family guy. But we were young and inexperienced, and his hairline was already receding. Besides, that was when Connecticut came along. And let me tell you, he was a looker. Each and every time we went out, there he was with the green eyes and the rock-solid . . . rocks. But looks can only get you so far, right? So the next time around, it was someone with a little more street-cred. Philadelphia had connections everywhere--hooked us up with all the right people and took us all the right places. But when it came right down to it, he was a little too vulgar, a bit too crass. So then we met Cincinnati: love at first sight. He was hot in the summer, cool in the winter, friendly, and all about the old-fashioned family values. To be honest, it sort of broke our hearts when he sent us packing. Regina was our rebound man--two parts country, one part exotic foreigner. He had a lot going for him--friendly, plenty of money, and he really knew how to take care of someone if they got sick. But ultimately he was a bit too far off the beaten path and besides, he would get really cold and nasty when he was mad (which let's be honest, was 9 months out of the year).

It took some looking to find someone we could really settle down with--we had a list and everything. But I think it's a love-match this time. I admit, his name sounds a little redneck. But he makes up for it with everything else. Here's a run-down of a bunch of stuff we love about Fort Wayne!

1. Beautiful--fall has been amazing, and it's been going on forever, which is just how I love it: blue skies, crimson and orange and gold leaves, and that delicious smell that I just can't get enough of.

2. Fantastic weather--admittedly, we moved here just as summer was cooling off, so we've had a stretch of really nice days, but there's such a perfect mix of sun, cool, and rain--love it!

3. Families--tons of them, many with more kids than us even. Our neighborhood is teeming with children close in age to ours. At their bus stop alone, I think about twelve get on . . . and the bus stops almost every block! Not to mention cool events like the Johnny Appleseed Festival we attended!

4. Sporty--we loved the TinCaps baseball game we made it to before the end of the season. The stadium was awesome, and the tickets were only $10 each (plus $1 hot dogs)! There are also good programs at the YMCA, and there are great walking and biking trails all through our neighborhood.

5. Friendly--we totally moved back to this part of the country because we love midwestern friendliness.

6. Schools--despite a few initial bumps, I feel confident that our kids will receive an excellent education and plenty of attention from their teachers here. I especially appreciate all the time and attention given to art and music at their school--I know it's not like that everywhere!

7. Affordability--I love feeding my family for less (plus, the produce tastes waaay better), decorating my home without spending a fortune, getting a pizza without feeling extravagant, and especially getting a beautiful home for a good price!

8. Arts--this is a great community for the arts! The symphony event we attended was fantastic, the hall amazing (especially for a city of this size), and I can't get enough of the classical public radio station that plays something I adore every couple of hours. We haven't even checked everything out yet!

9. Proximity to places--how amazing to have Indianapolis, Chicago, Detroit, and Cincinnati all within a three hour drive! And a day trip will get us to NYC, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Nashville, Atlanta . . . so many places! After Saskatchewan, that seems amazing.

10. We're American again--We've loved living internationally (even just barely), and I hope we do it agains someday. But America is the greatest country in the world--we missed her! And Obama? Definitely worth coming back for.

This Vagabond Life

We're going to be spoiled.

Next month, when we move into our new digs, we're going to enjoy a lot of perks. It's a nice house. It even has a pond out back.

We have our kids enrolled in a good school (even if it already annoys me a little sometimes). We'll be within walking distance of that school. Our ward has lots of nice families in it. This city has lots of nice families in it. There are tons of trees that are just changing color, and the sight of them against a crisp blue sky is breathtaking. Sometimes I will be just standing at a gas station pumping gas, or loading Sera into a cart to go grocery shopping, and I'll see other people hurrying in or out or just walking by and I sort of want to scream "hey there! Did you notice that you live in a really beautiful place? And also did you know that people are super-nice here? Because it's not like that everywhere. You're really, really lucky!" But I restrain myself--I have a feeling I might scare someone.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to scream those words at myself from time to time. Because we've been living out of suitcases for four months now.

We've been eating off of child-size plastic plates and trying not to use up our 12 unpacked cups too quickly each day. Emerson and Asher have been sharing the same twin bed, toe to toe. Addy gets her own twin bed only on the nights Sera doesn't climb out of the too-small pack-n-play and join her. Aaron and I couldn't fit our box springs up the staircase, so we're sleeping on a mattress on the floor. It has an actual sheet on it now (thank you Target clearance), but there were a series of nights where it was just the mattress pad and our comforter. There's a reasonably comfortable office chair in our bedroom (which I'm sitting on now), and a rocking chair in the living room--that's it for cushioned places to sit. The kids' idea of household fun involves climbing up and jumping off the stacked up boxes in our "living room," many of which may or may not contain breakable items.

If it can't be prepared using one skillet, one saucepan, a cookie sheet, and an oven, we don't eat it--we can't remember the last time we ate a dinner at home that didn't have the word "helper" on the box.

And you know what? Some days, it all gets old.

But this is all okay with me (mostly). Because I'm a big believer in the reasonable fairness of the universe. If I ever get too happy or too satisfied with where my life is, I grit my teeth and get ready--it's pretty much guaranteed that something tough is hurtling toward me. Right now I feel like we're serving some time, "stocking up" on hard times so we can sort of "earn" what's coming. It's my way of making peace with the universe.

It's a season of simple things, of driving to and from school three times a day (kindergarten does that), doing laundry, keeping the floors reasonably clear of clutter, making and eating meals that are unlikely to win any awards for culinary excellence but which do a fine job of keeping us healthy. Sera and I walked this morning from the front door of our little town-home over to the laundry room in the building. The air was crisp with fall, the leaves above us in every color from green to gold, orange to flaming red. A squirrel in the grass saw us coming, then ran up the trunk of a towering maple tree. We laughed at the cute fellow, and at the little sparrows that were "playing tag" according to Sera, as we lugged one basket and two bags of laundry. It was good to hear Sera's squeals and giggles as she played her own little game of "hide and seek" between the washing machines as I folded clothes and watched the leaves fluttering down outside the window. A laundry room that does so many loads of laundry every week smells good. I noticed how I now fold each pair of pants twice for Asher and Addy, only once for Emerson and Sera. When did that happen? Sometimes Asher's shirts need and extra fold too, before they become a neat little package that I can stack up and return to his closet--it's only the really baggy ones though, so I feel safe for now. I love the smile on Sera's face when she helps me carry the laundry detergent, or when she carefully unloads each little item of clothing from one of the washers or dryers to the basket. She's big enough to be a real help now--she, my baby! After school, the bigger kids gather around our little table, the one that barely fits in the corner of our tiny kitchen, and do their homework. It was hard at first--after three years of school in French and rarely having homework--but they're rising to the occasion. Addy is working on her spelling and reading. I love to see the ways she spells words: tnkeg for thinking or thay for they. She's making fast progress though, now that everything is in English, and I love seeing her holed up in her bed at night before anyone else, reading by the light of the hallway light, since her room doesn't have a lamp or anything. Asher is coming along, too. He's having to overcome some poor study habits--I make him rewrite his assignments in his assignment notebook if his handwriting is too sloppy, and he redoes all the math problems he misses on his homework and tests--but he is making big strides. He's been proud of all the A+ papers he's been able to bring home over the last couple of weeks, as he's gotten the hang of keeping track of his papers, turning them in on time, and making things legible. I'm impressed with the attention my kids get from their teachers--nothing slides by without notice, and I'm grateful for the little notes home or emails I get about them . . . and even more grateful that the frequency of the notes is decreasing now! In the evenings, they come up with simple things to do on the sidewalk and grass-patch in front of our apartment; picking dandelions, scratching in the dirt with rocks and bark, batting around tennis balls with one racket and a foam sword--a little creative thinking never hurt anyone.

Sometimes a season of simplicity makes all the difference. I can't wait to unwrap each of my dishes and put it away. Getting cold water from a refrigerator water-dispenser is going to seem like absolute luxury. Before long, we'll have a real piano again. And not sharing a bedroom wall with children--can it get better than that? But there is a different kind of luxury here--the luxury of working together, making things work, not having to worry about making it to swimming lessons or soccer practice or anywhere but school and home, home and school. And when we're all moved in and secure and grounded and permanent(ish), as I've been longing for for so long, I hope I'll look back and remember this transition time as a really good time too--a time of adventure and love and learning and growth. A little bit of the refiner's fire here and there can only make us glow more brightly and shine more beautifully, right?